Tropetopia XIII — The Pangloss Score II — The US Conquest of the Middle East

Top twenty reasons the US should further invade and occupy the entire “Middle East” – aka Oila –
by Stan D. Garde:

The inhabitants of these lands are tired of their massive oil burden and would like to have it taken off their hands.

The US owns the world so is only taking its due share.

Certain environmentally responsible corporations wish to keep filling up Hummers, other Sport Utility Vehicles, and non mass transit systems.

The Air Force needs fuel to drop its bombs to get its fuel.

The US is thirsty for the crude.

King George — aka, President Powerdrunk — decrees it.

US soldiers love spending the best years of their lives getting blown up and blowing people up.

In years gone by it used to be that the US could get the countries in the region to slaughter each other on their own accord, on US behalf. Not so much anymore. Today, several of these very same countries need direct, even Divine, US intervention.

Russian deterrence is a distant memory and tiny little China is but a mere speck on the map.

No one in their Right mind can imagine Baghdad without a US flag planted smack in the middle of it.

Or Tehran.

Or Islamabad. Etc.

All sane people agree — World War III is to die for, since Big Business would make a Royal Killing.

Obliterating Oila is by far the best use of the US National Guard. Helping people in times of flood, hurricane, and tornado…laudable but a distant tertiary concern.

In the immortal words of New York Times columnist, Thomas Friedman in his 1999 book The Lexus and the Olive Tree: “McDonald’s cannot flourish [in Oila or anywhere else presumably] without McDonnell Douglas, the designer of the U.S. Air Force F-15. And the hidden fist that keeps the world safe for Silicon Valley’s technologies to flourish is called the U.S. Army, Air Force, Navy and Marine Corps.”

In the immortal words of President Bill Clinton’s Secretary of State Madeleine Albright (current Barack Obama advisor) when asked about the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Iraqi children due to US-UN sanctions: “We think the price is worth it.”

In the immortal words of Albright on another occasion: “What’s the point of having a superb military…if we can’t use it?”

In the immortal words of former President George H. W. Bush: “What we say goes.”

What’s another Oilan conflagration or two in the grand scheming of things?

Once again, Whose oil? Our oil.

As Dr. Pangloss says, “If you truly want the best of all possible worlds, you have to bomb for it.”

So these are the top twenty reasons the US should conquer all Oila, though there are countless other worthy and practical reasons about which we could go on forever and ever more, or until The End, of course, whichever comes first.

Stan D. Garde
DemRep Sloganeer

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