My god, they wanted me to run for President of the United States of America – little ol’ me, Stan D. Garde, semi-retired Terminator (of History) at Rockview Terminal School District, and author of Youthtopia, the Rockview Terminal Parent’s Handbook.
“What? Me?” I asked the DemRep party head. “Why?”
He smiled big. “Because you know just what to say. You could even write your own speeches. You’ve proved it in Youthtopia.”
This made me feel very proud indeed.
“I can hardly believe you’re serious,” said I.
“Oh, yes,” said he.
“But no one knows I even exist.”
“But I’m just – a common man.”
“Not nearly as common as you think, a pity,” said he. “Come now, do you accept the party’s nomination?”
Of course, nowadays, there was only one party that counted, ever since the Dumblicans and Repugnocrats (I’m sorry, I apologize for sometimes slipping into the vulgar street talk one continues to hear too often), I mean, of course, ever since the Democans and Republicrats formally joined forces, instead of unoffically enabling one another in that peculiar collaborative combative fashion all those years.
“How can I accept the party’s nomination?” I asked the DemRep head. ”Isn’t there a formal process to go through, primaries to run?”
The party head smiled again. He seemed endeared to me. “That can be arranged,” said he. “That is what I do, you know. You might call me, The Arranger.”
It’s so nice to have things arranged for you. I figured I could do nothing less than accept. I figured it was my duty – which I gladly and proudly did. “I accept.”
“Gulliver,” whispered a Terminator (of English) nearby, who had come over somewhat surreptitiously to listen.
“Yes,” I said to my fellow Terminator, “I do feel I am starting out upon a grand and wondrous journey into some wild and perhaps ever more strange lands. And I will do it all to serve my Country, my People.”
And so it was – I accepted the party’s nomination to run for the nomination to be the next President of the United States.
Alas, how little did I know at the time. There would be the brutal primary race to survive, lasting a grueling year. I would be forced to compete relentlessly against other such candidates as myself – each of us pitted remorselessly yet cordially against one another in order to find the fittest of the glibbest – to be the next president of the land.
This is my very personal story – the run for the presidency, by Stan D. Garde, the incredible race to be the next President of the United States of America. This is my private journal that I hope to publish after the fact – for whatever benefit it might humbly accrue to humanity.
Maybe too I will write my own speeches, as the Arranger so generously suggested. I’ll take care to craft all the slogans and tropes that best befit the Presidency – powerful slogans and illuminating tropes that I hope to present here as well in these most humble and modest pages.
I present my American Campaign Journal as a public service to all America, to the entire world. As such, I hereby entitle it –
How To Become the Next Great President of the United States of America
(and the World).
I dedicate this American Campaign Journal – which might more realistically be named, Global Campaign Journal –
“To the great Arranger, first and foremost, without whom I would have remained but a modest Terminator in the latter stages of a vigorous but declining career; and, last not least, to America and the entire civilized world, without which I could scarcely imagine life, or know where to find the will to live.”
First Tropetopia episodes:
Tropetopia II — Great Campaign Theme
Tropetopia III — Great Theme Unveiled
Tropetopia IV — Youth Outreach: LCIT, VCIT, and TPIT
Tropetppia V — Official Sloganeer
Tropetopia VI — Hurl On
Tropetopia VII — The Curse of the Dumblicans and the Repugnocrats
Tropetopia VIII — Epic of Epics
Tropetopia IX — The Pangloss Score: The DemReps
Tropetopia X — I Mean What I Say
Tropetopia XI — The Tropetopian Age
Tropetopia XII — Down with John Doe Dimslow
Tropetopia XIII — The Pangloss Score II: The US Conquest of the Middle East
Tropetopia XIV — The Stan D. Garde and John Doe Dimslow Debate
Tropetopia XV — The Pangloss Score III: The Up Side of Climate Change