The Pelosi-Reid Plan to Abolish America

Not long ago, President George Bush the Second did Senate and House leaders Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi the biggest favor of their Congressional lives by vetoing the Democrat Iraq War funding proposal – first, in pretending to differ significantly with the Democrats, and, second, in preventing any War funding going forth, for the moment.  

The President’s main complaint was that the plan provided a poor set of teeth to keep biting into Iraq and sucking out the rest of its oil.  

In vetoing the Pelosi-Reid-Obama-Clinton-establishment Iraq War Plan, the President announced, “I am not accustomed to being at a loss for fangs.”  

He seemed concerned that the mere regular full set of teeth offered to him by Congress would not be enough to satisfy his thirst, bottomless as it is. 

No matter. Pelosi and Reid readily returned to the rest of their plan for controlling Iraq – popularly known as the PR Plan.  

They vowed, “We will work with the President in whatever way we can.” They meant the statement to be totally ambiguous, but unfortunately for them, upon uttering it, the official pair instantly collapsed to the ground, apparently for lack of some vital measure of blood and bone, as well as some bizarre overabundance of scales, claws, and oozing oil. 

“Defunding the war immediately is totally impossible,” uttered Pelosi and Reid in unison while slithering across the ground, sliming their way back to their Gang of Democrats. The Republican Gang applauded silently from the side.  

 “It seems clear now,” one observer remarked, “that the Democrat and Republican parties are gone – if parties they ever were – and are replaced by gangs. Official suite gangs.” Oddly, no one was heard to contradict him. Within hours, a person we can only identify as Deep Source delivered to us the following rather striking internal document. We have rarely seen a government document quite as internal as this, and we must confess, as good members of the press, we hope to see very few more like it. “The 10 Point PR Plan (For Internal Consumption Only)”: 

First, Pretend that you intend to end the War against Iraq. Second, Propose a full War budget with deceptive clauses so that it seems like you may soon end the occupation that you in no real way will, at all. Third, Write the plan so that the President will veto it, so that it looks like the Dems and Reps actually disagree on something substantial. Fourth, After the President’s veto, pretend again to throw sand in the gears of the War Machine when in fact you are keeping it fully oiled, fully fueled, and fully going. Fifth, Once again, submit a proposal to fully fund the War. Of course, pretend the opposite. Claim you are managing the War better, toward withdrawal, and speak often of a deep appreciation for “the troops” as they are sent to kill and be killed. Sixth, Scarcely ever refer to the corporate contractors who are making a killing in Iraq. And never mind that these are not really “private” contractors but corporate contractors operating in the public domain by way of huge amounts of public money, operating outside of much if any direct public control and oversight – the better for Congress to throw the money and will of the people at corporate command. Pretend to voters that this is “the best of all possible worlds” no matter what the facts and your conscience may or may not tell you – or might tell you if you had one. Best to believe in what you are doing, after all, if possible, regardless. Seventh, As the years pass, carry Right along with the War under the new President(s) of the United States, all the while claiming to be in the process of ending it – just a few more benchmarks, slaughters, necessary bribes and expropriations – repeat indefinitely. Eighth, Continue on and on. Rotate US forces, large and small, in and out of various other regions ripe for ordering and extraction, all around the world – as investors desire, or public relations demand. Continue to internally strip mine the US and the people of whatever wealth can be found and had, per tradition, any rhetoric to the contrary. Ninth, Explain that you do what you do on behalf of “the troops” in the interests of “America” – and the world. Lie when necessary – it’s your job we’re talking here – if at all unconvinced of the grand necessity of what is going on. Tenth, Live in infamy. Like it or not, this goes with the territory. It’s an unfair world for everyone, but we may take comfort in knowing that things are the best they can possibly be, at this point and time in our careers. 

There it is. The Pelosi-Reid Plan, the internal face at least. Like we said, we hope never to see another document like it, and we continue to take steps to ensure that we don’t. We are rededicating all our employees, no matter their personal views, toward this end – Deep Source or no Deep Source. 

Meanwhile, 20,000,000 human rights groups have come out against the PR plan. Every indication, however, is that the Pelosi-Reid Gang intends to fight for their right to dictate the funds and shape of the War, rather than continue to allow President Bush and the Republicans to take all the credit.  

Pelosi and Reid responded to the groups: “We believe in human rights, but who is going to pay for our next round of campaign ads? We speak to human rights concerns, so we expect to be left alone to act on our needs. Oh – and the troops. Unlike some people, we don’t forget them, of course. They do as they are told in dying for our right of re-election, which is far more than can be said for the human rights community – far more. So lighten up. Line up with us behind the flag. There’s a War on. Get used to it. We have. It’s the very least we can do. The very least. Thank you all.” 

Pelosi and Reid were last seen slithering through D.C. 

Thus far, there has been scant further response from the 20,000,000 human rights groups. Conventional wisdom believes they have been rendered speechless. Others suggest they are mobilizing to act. Meanwhile, one group notes, “The PR Plan feeds the flames. Thanks to the fire lit by half a trillion US tax dollars – Iraq burns.”

[This “Plan to Abolish America” series of satires consists of slightly revised pieces posted in advance of the coming “Petraeus Report” on Iraq. The series began with The Petraeus Plan to Abolish Iraq, and will likely end with the same Plan.]

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