Freedom, Equality, Dignity and Other UDHR Follies

Well, old John Doe Dimslow may have to modify his 2008 campaign platform a bit. You see, I had always heard good things about the Universal Declaration of Human Rights but had never actually read it. Now as the campaign begins to swing into operation I see that the first Article may present something of a problem:

“All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.”


Whoa, Nelly! Hold the juice! You see, I have to compete with the Dems and the Reps who in their grand wisdom have long since understood that “free and equal in dignity and rights” is just a foolish pipedream. I mean, doesn’t everyone understand that the poor will always be with us? and the uninsured? and the unemployed? — many, many of them — who else will harvest our food? — in fact more every day, and so of course we are going to have to ditch this first Article as being utterly unreasonable. I mean, without the poor, who will do the dangerous, unhealthy jobs at miserable wages that sustain a republic and world as grand as ours?


And as far as everyone being “endowed with reason and conscience” – well, the Dems and Reps are living proof of the foolishness of that notion. So I propose that the first Article be modified to read as follows:


“All human beings are born free to sleep under the bridge at the edge of town at night if they cannot afford housing, and all are equal in their opportunity to be prosecuted to the full extent of the laws that are made to protect the minority of the wealthy from the majority of those of modest income. And all people are endowed with reason enough to know that they are expected to be obedient loyal wage-slaves for life with the good conscience that they are to expect no better and demand no more. And all people of modest income — the owned — should act toward the system of, by, and for those of more fortunate means — the owners — as convicts should act toward police, in a spirit of submission.”


Yes, I believe the admirable philosophies expressed in this new modified plank suit my campaign much more to a T and should enable me to compete on more equal footing with the Dems and Reps in my underdog attempt to gain media exposure for the long campaign that lies ahead.


Freedom, equality, dignity, reason, and conscience are nice when you can get them, but, please understand, dear supporters, that we are up against the state-corporate machine and so we must put aside any such notions of utopia until the days of wage-slavery incorporated are successfully re-routed, demoted, dismantled and fully bypassed.


In the meantime, perhaps we will find some consolation in Article 2, whatever it may be.

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