Wholesale Withdrawal

“Pentagon unveils troop care measures” — intends to immediately withdraw from Iraq and the rest of the globe, sparing untold numbers of lives and saving hundreds of billions of dollars annually that will be put to use saving and improving the lives of millions of people in the US and abroad.

This “Pentagon Plan,” as it has come to be called, will be implemented just as soon as the Bush plan to shrink Congress to a total of five members is realized. Pressed for comment, President Bush vowed, “Formally abolish Congress, then watch me really work.” No report yet on whether anyone believes it matters if Congress is abolished or not.

In other news, the dead continue to pile up in Iraq and the maimed continue to grow. Bush said, “This shows clear signs of progress. Piling up and growing is a good thing. This is a promise of what is to come.” 

When finally reached for comment, the (full of) Vice President Dick Cheney said, “I couldn’t have said it better myself. We have moved beyond the ‘last throes’ of the insurgency and are in the end stage. Soon, there will be no more tomorrows whatsoever. And we will have the President’s devout leadership to thank for it.” 

The (full of) Vice President appeared to begin making the sign of the cross in front of his chest (or reaching for a cup of coffee, it wasn’t clear) when his hand caught fire in a burst of flame and sounds of singeing and hissing. Within the swirling smoke and the smell of brimstone, his aides rushed him out from behind his desk and into a bathroom, with doors that audibly clicked as they locked shut. 

(These brilliant flare-ups happen on a regular basis. This time, precautionary extinguishing measures were taken. Other times, the (full of) Vice President is left alone to sit and torch a bit. Purifies his constitution, he claims, which we reporters have no reason to doubt.)

Most of the media contingent fell to their knees on the grass outside and gasped for fresh air after being escorted rapidly away. Nevertheless none chose to file a report on the matter of spontaneous combustion since there is only a certain level of heinousness that they consent to and are allowed to report. This particular incident did not pass the smell test, so they made no note of it at all, just as their editors, publishers and owners wished. 

“I promise to withdraw from Iraq when the time is Right,” said the President. “So help me, God, I solemnly vow.”

No comment yet from God. Word has it that God has gone dove hunting with the (full of) Vice President. 

So help us God, be assured any news will be reported as soon as it passes the smell test. 

All in all, this has been a typical day in the big time political reporting business: a bit of news but not too much; the grim reality with some manufactured hope; and good pay under tolerably ridiculous circumstances. 

No thanks required — our reporter’s pleasure is to serve.