This is the man who must be stopped – John Doe Dimslow, the DemReps’ strongest opponent in the upcoming 2008 US Presidential election.
Clearly, the poor man knows no bounds and has no sense of decency, zero (not to mention inverse) geopolitical acumen and is at an utter loss for publicity and sloganeering. Yet our ongoing polling data indicates that he remains a very dangerous US Presidential candidate indeed – especially on the ever sensitive and dread topic of “the issues”. On the issues, the man shows some unfathomable striking resonance with the masses of loyal vendor-consumers that are the good people of this land. Possibly our poll questions have not been best designed as of yet. We will see to this in the future. The very near future. The Dimslow threat must be stopped, the virus eradicated. Down with Dimslow, I say. Let the sloganeering commence.
I, John Doe Dimslow, hereby declare my candidacy for President of the United States.
This is not an April Fool’s joke. Though I wish it were.
The political platform on which I will base my campaign and which will serve as guide if elected is not the Holy Corporate Charter but the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, signed into law by the United States and other nations over half a century ago, a declaration that has still not been lived up to, and for no good reason.
My main planks will not be based on the lunatic motto of capitalism that “private vice leads to public good” but instead will be based on the various articles in the UDHR, of which I will have more to say – especially in relation to current events and conditions, and especially as seen through the eyes of Dimslows everywhere – in the coming weeks, months, and years leading up to the election for the 2008 presidency.
The decision of selecting a running mate has been a long and arduous process that I have suffered through for some time now. I have finally decided to select as running mate someone who I believe will give me immense credibility, someone who will be able to stand up to the candidates for the Dems and Reps with credentials every bit as distinguished and fine, someone brilliant who burns with a keen sense for expanding civilization for the benefit of all everywhere, someone who will back down from nothing and no one, someone utterly reliable and dependable and someone who holds the best interests of the American people close to his heart—someone, again, I cannot emphasize enough, with a proven track record and solid credibility, someone equal to and every bit as good as any of the likely candidates for the D’s and R’s. And so now I hereby proclaim to be my running mate, Vice Presidential candidate for the 2008 elections, the next esteemed Vice President of the United States of America: Genghis Khan!
Actually, not the Genghis Khan, the renowned Mongol invader of centuries past but a descendent of his, a long since naturalized American, who yet retains the most outstanding characteristics of not only the great Genghis Khan himself but also of his grandson, Hulagu Khan, who conquered Iraq some eight centuries ago. No less is to be expected of my vice presidential nominee, who, given his acclaimed heritage, it should be clear to all, is the ideal candidate to square off with any likely candidate selected by the D’s and R’s. Welcome to the Dimslow campaign of 2008, O great descendent of Genghis Khan.
April fools, not regarding my own candidacy, which will proceed as scheduled, but regarding my choice of candidate for Vice President – a choice I have in fact not yet made. The Genghis Khan descendents will have to look to the policy establishments of the D’s and R’s for their continued employment.
In the meantime I urge everyone everywhere – Genghis Khan devotees aside – to pitch in on the UDHR Dimslow efforts for now, for ’08, forevermore.
Sat Apr 9, 12:01 PM ET JDD Press
Citizen of the United States of America, and of Earth, John Doe Dimslow peers out from a window of his home and wonders what is becoming of his country and the world, on Saturday, April 9, 2005. He wonders if he will be able to keep his home and keep up with the energy and fuel bills. His health insurance is poor, and he intends to keep pressuring the government to call off its attack on the world, and to maintain and improve its services to his kin and to humankind, and to do much more to keep the United Corporations from ripping him off, along with everyone else. He is glad to see the duck get a fair shake. And he wishes the duck well. (JDD Photos/Jane Doe Dimslow)
Dimslow – 2008