I do try to do my part here at home in America in the ever ongoing effort to conquer the world in mind and body, spirit and money, for the greater glory of all. Always have — first by being a loyal-consumer-in-training (a most proper lcit) and then by graduating into a steadfast loyal consumer, and finally by working as a Terminator of History in Rockview Terminal School District (High Schools having been renamed as Terminals, you may recall from Youthtopia, after the word “high” was nearly banned from the language during one of this country’s many brilliant and ongoing wars against certain drugs and their disobedient users and sellers, patients and celebrants).
Such pastoral and otherwise relaxing reflections upon my roots – as these that I’ve put down in this American Campaign Journal — indeed, all our roots – soon gave me the idea to use that language most near and dear to my very heart and soul as an integral part of my campaign. In other words, the Terminal tongue is that of which I speak, and speak, I do.
Thoughts of using specific Terminal lingo in my campaign to be President of the United States led direct to my next campaign planning session with the Arranger. “I would like to make a special appeal to the lcit of our grand land during the campaign,” I told the Arranger, “for it is the lcit to whom I feel I am especially equipped to speak.”
“Ah, yes,” the Arranger rubbed his jaw then scratched his chin. “The lcit. I had been meaning to speak to you about that. It’s a matter of terminology, I fear, which we must fine tune as best we can.”
He nodded sagely.
“The lcit, you see, can actually not be best known as ‘loyal-consumers-in-training’ – useful as that term is. No, the lcit, to you, are more properly known to us, the Arrangers, as, loyal, yes ideally, and faithful, even better, but to be most exact, we Arrangers know and refer to your lcit as vcit, that is, as vendors-consumers-in-training. You see, Stan, for the human condition to best thrive, it is essential that people not only consume as much as possible, whenever and wherever possible, virtually, of course, everywhere and all the time, but also that they vend, that is, sell diligently, as much as possible, virtually all the time and everywhere – all the while accruing profits ever upwards to the venerable masters of commerce that be. Buy-sell, vend-consume, et cetera, ad infinitum. You do see the inescapable symmetry and harmony, rationale and propriety of this inevitable fiscal and social arrangement, don’t you, Stan D. Garde?”
“All the while ever accruing profits upward,” I repeated, reaffirming the glorious mantra. “Yes, I do. I do indeed see the essential and inescapable nature of it all.”
The Arranger clapped his hands. “I’m glad. Of course, vcit, or venders-consumers-in-training is quite a mouthful, so informally, you know, we accruers like to refer to the people simply as “trading posts” – and the students of course as trading-posts-in-training, or tpit – you know it’s easier on the tongue and mind, with its more colloquial, more folksy feel. ‘Trading posts’ is to people as ‘troops’ is to warriors or soldiers. We are dealing with trading posts here, Stan – ideally loyal, faithful, thrill-seeking, diligent, risk-taking, glamour-loving, perspiration-mongering vendor-consumer trading posts.”
“That’s rather delightful, if quaint,” said I. “A real throwback. People as trading posts – I like it. Let us appeal, then, for the votes of all trading posts everywhere – and let us not forget the tpit, too – our ever-loyal trading-posts-in-training.”
“Excellent. And have you arrived at your ultimate campaign slogan?”
“Conquer the World, Now!” I told him proudly, “one trading post at a time.”
“Outstanding! Excellent work, Stan D. Garde. We knew you had it in you. But we will drop the ‘trading post’ part in public, of course. ‘Conquer the World, Now’ — I do like it. Kind of says it all, doesn’t it? Short and punchy — to the point. Brilliant! Stan D. Garde, I believe we have a deal.”
“A deal, indeed,” said I, as proud as could be. “And, indeed, a great deal to do.”