AND HE TAUGHT them, saying:
1. Blessed are the rich, for they have more than they need and still they take with such joy.
2. Blessed are those who mourn, for their numbers shall multiply.
3. Blessed are the meek, especially the liberals, for they will not stand up to me.
4. Blessed are those who hunger for righteousness, for they may wish in one hand and spit in the other and see which one fills the fastest.
5. Blessed are those who are not merciful, for they shall laugh upon those without health insurance.
6. Blessed are the pure in ideology, for they shall promote religious fascism.
7. Blessed are the warmongers, for they shall control the world’s resources.
8. Blessed are those who persecute, for they shall trample upon the First Amendment.
9. Blessed are you when you are an abject failure, yet people still think you’re doing a fine job.
10. Blessed are you when you base your policies upon a fundamentalist interpretation of scripture. You violate the consciences of millions of Americans. But they’re going to Hell anyway.
11. Blessed are the undecided and those who don’t vote, for you allow me to get away with murder.
12. Blessed are the Americans, for God loves us better than anyone else.
13. Jesus said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” But I tell you, do unto others before they do unto you. And be sure to use cluster bombs.