POTUS Speaks
I fooled them all, the children. They’re like children; And I am the President of the United States of America. No, I don’t give a good goddamn what goes on, how could I? I have to do what I’ve been paid, I mean, elected to do. Oh sure I care, but I care about what I’ve trained myself, been trained to care about, you follow? I mean, sure, by the year 2000 we had a crappy standard of living in this country, I mean you go to Europe and you wonder why everyone is so tall. (You can look it up!) It’s all their social welfare programs – public health care, public education, public transportation, long public holidays, the list goes on and on. They live good! Better than us, the US. They used to bleed off their wealth fighting all around the globe and now we in the USA are doing it for them! So now we’re short and they’re tall, they live longer, and healthier, with less inequality despite fewer natural resources. My God, we suck!
Or so one might think. But I am proud to say I don’t buy into all of that. I am, after all, the President of the United States – POTUS – and proud of it. We could still blow Europe and the rest of the world to Smithereens, and I am proud of it!
Maybe you don’t understand how great it is to be the President of the United States. Well, let me tell you it’s no bowl of peaches. Look, this is my private journal, and will be published only after my death (for the profit of my family) or when I no longer give a goddamn. So frankly, I feel free to speak frankly, in fact compelled to – look, I’m a psychopath. I am. Pathological really. Oh, I know what you’re thinking, POTUS is just saying that to sell books for his family’s future. Well, you have a point, you may. And yet I must say that 99 percent of what you read before you here is not made up. So here goes.
First, I had to run for President. Everyday it was something new. That goddamn financial crisis, the Iraq conquest, hurricanes everywhere, America gone fat and unhealthy, climate change, poverty, terrorism, every damn country in the Middle East, every damn country in South America, in Central America, in Africa, Asia, Europe. Where were our friends? Flippin’ Canada giving us the cold shoulder and Mexico flipping us the hot enchilada. We were America the Besieged when I ran for President, and I wanted to make sure everyone knew it. Oh, not in so many words. The propaganda is more refined here, more subtle. We don’t beat people over the head here (so to speak) like they do in all those other godforsaken continents. Well it’s true. We’re more into brainwashing and keeping the police on reserve for those frequent special occasions and just basically doing our own thing no matter what people may think, at home or abroad. And that defines America for me. We’re the first best last chance of the world, you know? We’ve got it together, got it happening, going on.
Okay, so we have the largest prison population of anywhere and spend more on the military than the entire rest of the world combined. So what? It doesn’t mean anything. We’re a peace loving people. We’re not the homicidal maniacs people make us out to be. We’re just, you know, lively. It’s understandable. We had to wipe out the Native Americans just to be here in the first place. That would scar anyone. And now we’re good buds with the survivors, don’t let anyone tell you we’re not. You see, our relationship with the Native Americans is like our relationship with the rest of the world, most of it. They’re desperately trying to catch up. Forget the Europeans, regular Americans are still taller and healthier and live longer than the Native Americans by far. (By regular Americans you know I mean white.) Regular Americans are better educated and wealthier. We’re also still more populous! We are the envy of our poor Native brothers and sisters. Those that don’t want to kill us, of course. To be feared is to be something better than loved – respected. With respect, you see, comes territory. Look, the Natives lost that game, sorry. And no there is absolutely positively no validity to the rumor that China is about to cash out of the US, demand repayment for all the Treasury bonds it purchased, and then buy up the Us directly. Although, come to think of it, might not be a bad idea. Somebody has to pay for all the overpriced real estate so many Americans can’t afford. Might as well be the Chinese. We exchange their toys for our land. They certainly need room to stretch out. And look what an Olympics they put on! There is even ancient American precedence for such a sale. Some of the US founding fathers tried to sell the United States back to the British. Okay, so they were jailed for treason, but times are different now. Selling off the rest of the United States to the Chinese, the Saudis, the Venezuelans, and the still ever rich Dutch might help get us all through a rough patch. We could even auction up a new name for the country. No offense to Italians of Amerigo Vespucci lineage, but the United States of America is really stale, you have to admit. I mean, come on. What have the Italians done for us lately. How does the United States of Beijing East sound? USBE? It would at least make us appear more computer literate. Well I don’t want to belabor the point. Let’s just consider it, shall we? I don’t think the Native Americans would mind. They gave up their name for the continent centuries ago, Turtle Island. We’ll leave them their pipe dreams in exchange for their coal, uranium, and dumping grounds.
But I digress. I may appear to digress and I do but really that is what being President of the United States is all about. Distraction. Divert the masses. Usurp their power. Pick their pockets. Come on, you know the game. And so this is what we have here in my private journal. Just about all I know.
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from Tropetopia
