When the President of the United States emerged from the secret underground bunker with one Iraqi insurgent gun in his right ear, another in his left ear, a third at his back – and enough explosive to obliterate all life in the near vicinity set to blow at an instant – he tried to remind the surrounding US forces, “Do not attack us, or we will all die.”
“Ho-ho,” the Commander of the insurgents said, “the President is suddenly a very wise man. Now if only he had cared a wit about human life earlier. No one need have died, but the Iraqi people were not even like ants to the President when we could not strike back at him directly. We were like harmless bacteria or lethal viruses in his mind’s eye if we even existed at all. We were collateral damage, expendable. Well who’s collateral damage now? Who here is expendable?”
President found a familiar face among the US forces, General Block. The Iraqis stopped in front of General Block now toe to toe with the Commander of the Iraqi insurgents.
The aides identified their leaders to one another. When General Block began to read a speech intended to convey strength, authority, determination, and other not so thinly veiled intimidation, the insurgent Commander cut him off.
“No, General. We have had enough of American speeches and bombs – “
“I insist – “
“No, General.”
“I am under orders. And so I must – “
“Well, since you insist.” The Commander whisked the papers out of the General’s hand. He passed them to an aide and ordered the papers torn up. The aide ripped the papers two ways and tossed them down. “You are in no position to insist, General. Invaders have no rights, only responsibilities. You owe us reparations. Your obligation is to withdraw since this is what the Iraqi people have repeatedly expressed they want.”
The General’s speech lay at his feet. Meanwhile, US corporate media which like all other media had been barred from these preliminaries were displaying and reading the General’s speech on many outlets worldwide, especially in the US. Media pundits weighed each clause of the undelivered speech judiciously – reiterating and highlighting the features of strength, authority, determination, and not so subtle threats contained therein. They spoke with great sincerity and emphasis. Meanwhile, the speech lay in pieces at the General’s feet. Not to put to fine a point on it, but, the speech lay in pieces at the General’s feet. Even the captive President of the United State could almost have kicked it.
“We should have had the camera’s here for that,” said one of the Iraqi Commander’s aides, nodding at the torn speech.
“Not so much,” said the Commander. “You see, the Good General’s media and PR machines would spin the images to demonize us further in their country.”
“But in ours and across the world,” said the aide. “Think of it.”
“Our people know where we stand. And most of the people of the world know too. So we can spare them the General’s disgrace. It serves no purpose. He is under orders after all. He only wants to kill us and regain his President. The Good General only wants to do his job and wipe us off the face of the earth. He only wants to secure our oil. He wants to drink it through his giant war machine. He wants to control who it goes to, and when, and why, and at what price, and for how long. Isn’t that about right, General? You see we have our speeches too; speeches that we are not only entitled to make; we are now in position to make. In fact, we know your history better than you know ours. We know that your Marine Lieutenant General Smedley Butler, winner of two Congressional Medals of Honor, wrote in 1933, ‘I spent thirty-three years and four months in active military service…. And during that period I spent most of my time as a high-class muscle-man for big business, for Wall Street, and the bankers…. Thus, I helped make Mexico and especially Tampico safe for American oil interests in 1914. I helped make Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the National City Bank boys to collect revenues in. I helped in the raping of half a dozen Central American republics for the benefit of Wall Street…. In China I helped to see to it that Standard Oil went its way unmolested.’ Is that the history they teach in school in America? Is that the history you learned so well? So, well?”
General Block stiffened.
“Now, General, how do you plead? Are you a Smedley Butler? Guilty, as confessed? Or innocent, as fewer and fewer people pretend to believe?”
“Commander,” said the General. “What I believe is that we have certain matters we both need to attend to now, today, involving the President of the United States.” He nodded at the all but forgotten prominent hostage.
“Business to attend to – isn’t that how you phrase it? It’s always business with you Generals, isn’t it? What’s good for US Corporations is good for the US military, and vice-versa, people everywhere be damned, including the people of America. Business to attend to indeed. I believe it was the head international correspondent for the New York Times, Thomas Friedman – far too large and phony of a name for such a little subservient man – we are speaking off the record, are we not? – I believe it was this mendacious stencilor who writes so pungently and yet to much corporate acclaim: “McDonald’s cannot flourish without McDonnell Douglas, the designer of the U.S. Air Force F-15. And the hidden fist that keeps the world safe for Silicon Valley’s technologies to flourish is called the U.S. Army, Air Force, Navy and Marine Corps.” What a beastly little philosopher he is. And he looks sort of like a clone of any number of historical villains that come to mind, don’t you think? Mad and short and, well, smarmy little gunslingers. What’s your professional opinion, General. Block? I’m prepared to camp here a good while if that’s what it takes to get some kind of real opinion out of you. What do you Westerns take, whiskey, is it? Something of the sort to loosen up?”
“I believe you are quite mad,” said the General.
The Iraqi Commander’s aides and compatriots laughed. They repeated the General’s comment and their laughter grew. General Block stiffened, again.
“The Commander predicted you would say that,” one of the aides said finally. “He predicted you would neither appreciate nor understand his zest for conversation.”
General Block held straight. “I am not here to converse.”
“Yes, we know,” said the Commander. “You are not commissioned for it. You scarcely seem trained for it. You apparently have little innate love for it. And that is a shame. It is a particular shame because, you see, General, conversation is precisely why we Iraqis have agreed to meet with you and all the Americans on your side. We are here to converse, General.”
“You are here, per prior agreement, Commander, to hand over the President of the United States. And we shall proceed through the Main Annex to the outdoor stadium where you shall deliver your speech. We will then return to the entrance of the bunker, with your network of tunnels, where you shall surrender the President, and then, taking only one of your other hostages, do your best to escape our full and immediate military pursuit.”
“An excellent summary, General, except that it leaves out the most important part – the negotiations. We are here to negotiate for peace in Iraq. We will begin with your President’s head. If you want your President’s head, we demand a certain amount of peace and freedom. If you want his arms and legs too and all that goes with him, then we demand a certain amount more. Do you think we tunneled into this military base to share a drink of some sort? No. You invaded and smashed so many of our cities and towns, we decided to return the favor. Unfortunately, our hammer is not as big as yours, a point of which I know you are proud, but which will do you precious little good if we manage to cut off the head of your President, let alone the head of yourself. Don’t be a fool any longer, General. You can have life or you can have death. One or the other. But the choice is yours. You must choose. You Americans. You aggressors in our ancient land.”
“Not my role, Commander, as you know. That’s not my function here. Let’s go. I’ll take you now to the Secretary of State.”
“A luxury we Iraqis don’t have, do we, General? We must be warriors and negotiators both, not just warriors. It forces us to be more fully human, would you say? More adept, more fully alive, and alas less, we people under attack, far more prone to die. So you can see why we might take our time to converse as we will whenever we may. We lack your luxuries, General. We’ve been under your guns and sanctions a long time. And frankly, we’re sick of you, to say the least. So lead on, by all means, take us to your leaders. But tell me first – I’ve been forced to live in tunnels and a bunker and am not sure I know who your leaders are anymore. Will they stalk across the floor, speech in hand, and try to make a big show? What do they look like these days? Are they human?”
